Daily Eli

Usually, when girls turn 18, they experience the best party of their lives or travel to where they want to go to the most and even receive plenty of gifts and greetings. They would wear their dream dress and be the center of attention. To sum it all up, they feel a great amount of happiness during this special day and receive one of the best moments of their lives. For my 18th birthday, I received less than 20 greetings, 2 gifts, and a trip to Korea in exchange of a debut party. I was happy since there are at least 20 people who remembered my birthday and my gifts were more of quality than quantity but I don't think I'm happy with the trip to Korea. We haven't gone yet since we haven't booked yet but just hearing their talks about the trip is making me feel sad. I thought that exchanging a debut party for a trip to Korea would mean that it would still feel like a debut party minus the people, 18 roses, 18 gifts, and gown. Meaning, like a debut, I would still be the ...

I had a dream. I was in the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror. I was confused as to why I was there. My reflection looks back at me intently as if analyzing me. And then she scared me by doing something I didn't do, she smiled. She came out of the mirror reaching out for me and pulled me in. When I opened my eyes, I was in a dark room with light only coming from the mirrors inside our house. I looked at the mirror where I came in and saw my reflection outside giggling and looking at me. "Watch me", she said. Then she ran out of the bathroom and went to the kitchen. She took a knife and went to my parents' bedroom calling out to my father, "Daddy, come here." When my daddy came she stabbed him with the knife and hid his body in the bathroom. Then she went to different parts of the house killing my family one by one. I switched from mirror to mirror crying and screaming at my reflection to stop but she won't listen and kept on laughing at me.She kil...

Hi my blog, Today I helped my cousin do her sister's flowers for her recycled gown. It took my mind off my problems for a moment. My life feels empty. I feel like I am invisible to society. What is the point of my existence? I ask myself everyday. What am I supposed to do and what was my role in society. Why do I feel like I don't belong. Is it just me or am I really what I think I am? I don't know. I am confused with what and who I am. Everyday I live with fear of people and hopelessness with a touch of smile. I am one of the greatest pretender but I don't want to be like this forever. When will I be able to know what is my purpose in life and what is my identity? I am  filled with frustration and sadness at the moment. To what do I live for? Please give me a sign. They say that it's because of my depression that's why I'm like this but what if I was really meant to die because my existence is a mistake? I have a lot of questions left unanswered. I am sa...

From time to time I feel like someone is with me even though there's no one there. Especially when I feel depressed and hopeless, I feel as if there are voices telling me to give up life. Telling me do bad things to myself. I don't know if it was my own imagination or is someone really there. Whatever it is I feel scared. The voices come from my head. It feels like someone else lives in my head. I'm scared. So scared. There are times when I'm scared to be alone because the voices keep bothering me, telling me death is better. They even follow me when I'm taking a bath. While I'm showering, I blink my eyes and she's there, a girl with black hair wearing a white dress. I blink again and she's gone. I blink again and she gets closer and disappears and reappears when I blink. That's why I'm scared of closing my eyes when I take a bath. My most feared delusion is when I look in the mirror. I see myself. I don't like seeing myself, especially i...

Hi! Today, I don't know why but I've been feeling depressed again. Maybe it's because I keep forgetting my medicines at night. I don't know. I hate medicines though because anti-depressants have strong side effects like oversleeping and feeling like you want to vomit which is very hard when you're studying in school. That's why I really want to get better so I can stop taking medicines. Sometimes, I feel like my family forgets that I have depression and anxiety disorder. It's either they don't realize that their actions and words really gives a big impact to me or they forget about how they can hurt me with their words from time to time. I'm scared to tell them though which is ironic since I'm so open when it comes to blogging in youtube. That's the reason why I tell details about me through videos than in person because it's easier to talk to cameras than real people. We also went to church. I hope God heard my prayers. I really wan...