Posts

08-06-2018

Choosing your own group in class

Back when I was in Grade 10

*Flashback*

"Okay, class choose your own group.", said Sir H.

Everyone groups themselves by friends.

I have no friends.

"Okay, class who doesn't have a group?", asked Sir H.

Only I raised my hand.

I was expecting my teacher to get me out from the feeling of self-pity but...

"Awww, You don't have a group? Pity you", said Sir H mockingly.

I was hurt of course, even if it was a joke it actually hurts.

He then asked, "Who wants to adopt ______?"

No one raised their hand.

"Awww, No one wants to group with you how pitiful hahaha", said Sir H.

I felt 42 eyes on me, some of them pitying me, some laughing at me.

I felt self-pity. I felt so useless and so alone.

*Present*

A past memory that acts as a trigger to my depression. Everytime a teacher tells the class to choose their own groups it feels like the same situation will happen again. It reminds me of my past and it makes m…

Too Much Thoughts?

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed with your thoughts that you feel so tired and worn out? There are times when I can't control my head and my mind goes to all different directions thinking of new ideas of what if the world started like this or the world had something like that and a lot more ideas whether it be new inventions or who lives in space. It feels like I travel a lot even if I'm just laying on my bed. It feels like my mind is as big as the universe. And like the universe, I have my blackholes which are referring to my triggering memory. Things that I should not get near because I will not comeback if I come close.

Why was I given so many ideas that I keep blaming my hand for not being fast enough to write it all. It's like an idea flew over my head for a second then goes away instantly. Would you consider this a blessing or a curse? I certainly don't know if you ask me. All I know is that my head hurts when there's too much going on in my head. Sometimes,…

18 With A Sad Emoticon

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Usually, when girls turn 18, they experience the best party of their lives or travel to where they want to go to the most and even receive plenty of gifts and greetings. They would wear their dream dress and be the center of attention. To sum it all up, they feel a great amount of happiness during this special day and receive one of the best moments of their lives.

For my 18th birthday, I received less than 20 greetings, 2 gifts, and a trip to Korea in exchange of a debut party. I was happy since there are at least 20 people who remembered my birthday and my gifts were more of quality than quantity but I don't think I'm happy with the trip to Korea. We haven't gone yet since we haven't booked yet but just hearing their talks about the trip is making me feel sad. I thought that exchanging a debut party for a trip to Korea would mean that it would still feel like a debut party minus the people, 18 roses, 18 gifts, and gown. Meaning, like a debut, I would still be the ce…

Mirror

I had a dream. I was in the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror. I was confused as to why I was there. My reflection looks back at me intently as if analyzing me. And then she scared me by doing something I didn't do, she smiled. She came out of the mirror reaching out for me and pulled me in. When I opened my eyes, I was in a dark room with light only coming from the mirrors inside our house. I looked at the mirror where I came in and saw my reflection outside giggling and looking at me. "Watch me", she said. Then she ran out of the bathroom and went to the kitchen. She took a knife and went to my parents' bedroom calling out to my father, "Daddy, come here." When my daddy came she stabbed him with the knife and hid his body in the bathroom. Then she went to different parts of the house killing my family one by one. I switched from mirror to mirror crying and screaming at my reflection to stop but she won't listen and kept on laughing at me.She ki…

June 5, 2018

Hi my blog,
Today I helped my cousin do her sister's flowers for her recycled gown. It took my mind off my problems for a moment. My life feels empty. I feel like I am invisible to society. What is the point of my existence? I ask myself everyday. What am I supposed to do and what was my role in society. Why do I feel like I don't belong. Is it just me or am I really what I think I am? I don't know. I am confused with what and who I am. Everyday I live with fear of people and hopelessness with a touch of smile. I am one of the greatest pretender but I don't want to be like this forever. When will I be able to know what is my purpose in life and what is my identity? I am  filled with frustration and sadness at the moment.

To what do I live for? Please give me a sign. They say that it's because of my depression that's why I'm like this but what if I was really meant to die because my existence is a mistake? I have a lot of questions left unanswered. I am sad.…

My Fake Smile

To my vlog,
You're the greatest listener in my life. Recently, I've been feeling as if my life is empty. As if it's blank and hopeless. Even though it's like that, I smile everyday hoping that no one would notice what I truly feel. I don't want to be a burden to other people so I just keep it in and wish that it goes away. I know it's wrong but what can I do? I'm still scared to open up and I don't want to bother other people. It feels like all my positive thinking is going to waste. My smiles are only my facade. It is no longer helping me. I don't know if it's because of my depression. I don't want to tell anyone. They won't listen to me. They will listen to reply not to understand.

All I can do is smile all day. Smile as if i'm the happiest person on earth. Smile as if I have no problems in life. Smile even if it hurts. The only thing that's left which is good is my smile because it can make other people happy but not me. My fa…

I am scared of my own mind

From time to time I feel like someone is with me even though there's no one there. Especially when I feel depressed and hopeless, I feel as if there are voices telling me to give up life. Telling me do bad things to myself. I don't know if it was my own imagination or is someone really there. Whatever it is I feel scared. The voices come from my head. It feels like someone else lives in my head. I'm scared. So scared.

There are times when I'm scared to be alone because the voices keep bothering me, telling me death is better. They even follow me when I'm taking a bath. While I'm showering, I blink my eyes and she's there, a girl with black hair wearing a white dress. I blink again and she's gone. I blink again and she gets closer and disappears and reappears when I blink. That's why I'm scared of closing my eyes when I take a bath.

My most feared delusion is when I look in the mirror. I see myself. I don't like seeing myself, especially in t…