June 3, 2018

Hi!
Today, I don't know why but I've been feeling depressed again. Maybe it's because I keep forgetting my medicines at night. I don't know. I hate medicines though because anti-depressants have strong side effects like oversleeping and feeling like you want to vomit which is very hard when you're studying in school. That's why I really want to get better so I can stop taking medicines.

Sometimes, I feel like my family forgets that I have depression and anxiety disorder. It's either they don't realize that their actions and words really gives a big impact to me or they forget about how they can hurt me with their words from time to time. I'm scared to tell them though which is ironic since I'm so open when it comes to blogging in youtube. That's the reason why I tell details about me through videos than in person because it's easier to talk to cameras than real people.

We also went to church. I hope God heard my prayers. I really want to get better quickly but I better not get my hopes up because my expections might cause me an even greater depression than what I am feeling now.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

18 With A Sad Emoticon

Image
Usually, when girls turn 18, they experience the best party of their lives or travel to where they want to go to the most and even receive plenty of gifts and greetings. They would wear their dream dress and be the center of attention. To sum it all up, they feel a great amount of happiness during this special day and receive one of the best moments of their lives. For my 18th birthday, I received less than 20 greetings, 2 gifts, and a trip to Korea in exchange of a debut party. I was happy since there are at least 20 people who remembered my birthday and my gifts were more of quality than quantity but I don't think I'm happy with the trip to Korea. We haven't gone yet since we haven't booked yet but just hearing their talks about the trip is making me feel sad. I thought that exchanging a debut party for a trip to Korea would mean that it would still feel like a debut party minus the people, 18 roses, 18 gifts, and gown. Meaning, like a debut, I would still be the
Read more

08-06-2018

Choosing your own group in class Back when I was in Grade 10 *Flashback* "Okay, class choose your own group.", said Sir H. Everyone groups themselves by friends. I have no friends. "Okay, class who doesn't have a group?", asked Sir H. Only I raised my hand. I was expecting my teacher to get me out from the feeling of self-pity but... "Awww, You don't have a group? Pity you", said Sir H mockingly. I was hurt of course, even if it was a joke it actually hurts. He then asked, "Who wants to adopt ______?" No one raised their hand. "Awww, No one wants to group with you how pitiful hahaha", said Sir H. I felt 42 eyes on me, some of them pitying me, some laughing at me. I felt self-pity. I felt so useless and so alone. *Present* A past memory that acts as a trigger to my depression. Everytime a teacher tells the class to choose their own groups it feels like the same situation will happen again. It rem
Read more

My Fake Smile

To my vlog, You're the greatest listener in my life. Recently, I've been feeling as if my life is empty. As if it's blank and hopeless. Even though it's like that, I smile everyday hoping that no one would notice what I truly feel. I don't want to be a burden to other people so I just keep it in and wish that it goes away. I know it's wrong but what can I do? I'm still scared to open up and I don't want to bother other people. It feels like all my positive thinking is going to waste. My smiles are only my facade. It is no longer helping me. I don't know if it's because of my depression. I don't want to tell anyone. They won't listen to me. They will listen to reply not to understand. All I can do is smile all day. Smile as if i'm the happiest person on earth. Smile as if I have no problems in life. Smile even if it hurts. The only thing that's left which is good is my smile because it can make other people happy but not me. My
Read more