08-06-2018

Choosing your own group in class

Back when I was in Grade 10

*Flashback*

"Okay, class choose your own group.", said Sir H.

Everyone groups themselves by friends.

I have no friends.

"Okay, class who doesn't have a group?", asked Sir H.

Only I raised my hand.

I was expecting my teacher to get me out from the feeling of self-pity but...

"Awww, You don't have a group? Pity you", said Sir H mockingly.

I was hurt of course, even if it was a joke it actually hurts.

He then asked, "Who wants to adopt ______?"

No one raised their hand.

"Awww, No one wants to group with you how pitiful hahaha", said Sir H.

I felt 42 eyes on me, some of them pitying me, some laughing at me.

I felt self-pity. I felt so useless and so alone.

*Present*

A past memory that acts as a trigger to my depression. Everytime a teacher tells the class to choose their own groups it feels like the same situation will happen again. It reminds me of my past and it makes me feel so scared that I feel like fainting everytime I hear the phrase "choose your own group". I feel so pitiful whenever I encounter the same situation like what happened earlier. We were asked to choose our own group and I was in the middle of all the groups all alone it reminded me of my memory and it triggered my depression and anxiety disorder. My heart clenched painfully as if being squeezed by someone tightly and my heartbeat felt like it was running for dear life. That is when I asked my teacher to excuse me from the class and I ran out of the room controlling my tears telling myself, "Don't cry, don't cry. Not again please", but I couldn't stop it from falling so I cried outside of the room feeling the same way I felt back then. I felt hopeless. I wanted to disappear but then again my family would be sad. I was depressed but my head knows what I need. I had two classmates following me outside of class asking me what happened and what I need. I told them I needed my medicine and I thought it was in my bag but I realized that I took it out of my bag early this morning. "Stupid" I said to myself. I then drank water, which was offered to me by my classmate, to clear my head. I then thought of contacting my cousin but she wasn't replying. I then resorted to messaging my family group chat and asked for help. Thank God, my brother saw my message. I then waited. I told myself, "Keep calm and wait. Don't give in to unconciousness" but I was already feeling hazy my classmates asked me if I wanted to go inside the room. I took the strength to stand up and walk. "I can do it just wait. The medicine is coming soon" I talked to myself but it was too late I lost to unconciousness. I then woke up inside the hospital. I sat up and cried my heart out. "Stupid! Stupid! Why am I so weak!" I was disappointed with myself. I let it happen again. I realized my friends were beside me and my aunt had arrived. I told her what happened. She said to calm down. The nurse then told me to go home and rest. I disappointed my family and myself all over again. 

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